Well here I am still alive and well. A lot has been going on. I went and enrolled in school and got excepted. So I'm going for Medical Assistant.I finish next year in Feb. So Yamil and I are going to start a family by then. We should be married in June if God's willing.  We are still doing the marriage classes. Still going to church.

I had to report the funeral home to Morturary Services because I still have yet to recieve Ta'Shauns death certificate. Its been five months almost now. So I'm going to stop by there on Thursday and show them the paper that they gave me to start an investigation. Ok strike that...I just called and they have the death certificate in. So I'm going tomorrow to pick it up. Dang man all it takes is some threating and you get your way.

Well Hector met a girl...thank God. I'm happy for him. I havent spoken to him because I want and need for him to move on. I hope things work out for him. i hope he treats her like he NEVER treated me. Thats the only thing that makes me sad, because I was treated like a friend. But I'm happy now with Yamil. We spoke on all the things that was bothering me about things that he does. And he stopped we are doing things that he likes and he is doing things that I like. We are working with each other to make things happy. When he comes home I'm happy to see him. I hug him and give him kisses all over...and I mean ALL OVER. hee hee I'm happy.

Snuggles my ferret is doing fine. Hes bad lol

I don't drink anymore, I'm trying to diet, I'm going back to school, and I'm getting married. Now watch my next blogg entry I'm gonna hate the world. rofl rofl But I'll keep you posted.

I am so addicted to that show. I didnt even want to watch that show, but I got home from work one day and there was a marathon on. So I watched it. Man I can't wait for the dvd to come out. I even got Hector hooked on the show. LOL Well I know it's been awhile I'm really going to try to post here regularly. I'm still with NY waterway but I feel like a robot I don't like this job. Hector put in a good word for me with one of the Trump buildings they are building here in Jersey City. I had one interview and they guy said that I should get a call back for a second interview. I doubt I will get a second call back but I'll wait. In the meantime I'm looking for something else. I just feel with Waterway I'm not getting anywhere. It was cool when I first got hired cause I was working parttime hours. Now that I'm getting more hours I feel that they are not giving me what I'm worth. It just sucks cause I don't have any experience in anything but retail. I'M TIRED OF DEALING WITH MONEY!!!!!!!

I find myself thinking of TJ more often. I finally paid for his buriel stone. Hector gave me some money towards it. I'm still waiting for TJs death cerificate so I can send it to Gerber Life Insurance. The funeral home lady is giving me the runaround.

We finally got a ferret. His name is Snuggles. He's a cutie.

Yamil and I are taking marriage classes because I wanted us to  become more familiar with each other. We were supposed to get married on Monday the 3rd, but I want to get the most out of our marriage classes and not rush.

But I'll keep yall posted.

Hello all. I got my computer up for a little while. I posted a picture of my son. That was Halloween last year he was a pirate. I miss him so much. It hurts so much I have to call his name out loud sometimes. Luis and Jessica have invited yamil and myself to church. We have been going to church for the past week. I really feel good. I hate to say that lossing my son made me realise that I needed Jesus in my life. The pastor says maybe that was what tj was put on this earth for. I know if tj was well I would not be going to church. I would not want to know the Lord.

Yamil got me an engagement ring. We are going to dinner this friday to celebrate. I'm so excited. I'm sad cause I wish tj was here to see this happiness. People say he is looking down on me from heaven, but forget that I want him here with me. I was looking at old pictures and my son was something else. I love him so much!!!

I'm going to look for a full time job because I have a feeling that I'm not going to get offered one at NY Waterway. But oh well. I'll keep ya'll posted

Well, I got here to the hospital today and the doctor told me that tj has a infection in his intestines. So now they are going to put him on antibiotics. There was a spot on his leg that was hurting him so they did a scan and it's the cancer. So they are going to radiate that part of his leg to get rid of the pain. The doctor said that wasn't the only part where there was cancer. I noticed the lumps on his head. The doctor basically said that this chemo didn't do much either. So radiation is the way to go now until she talks to her team. So I'll keep ya'll posted on that.

They actually gave my son some morphine and he sparked right up so they are going to give him that every 3 hours or as needed. He was nice and talking to the nurse. So that's a good sign. They are going to do radiation to the leg for the next 4 days and then we can go home that next thursday. They have to put a feeding tube in his nose to his throat so he can eat and get his meds and I don't have to worry about him getting upset that he has to orally take his meds.

Im just really scared of everything that is happening. When he does come home we are going to do the shopping spree. Then relax at home and just make him happy. I'm really scared I can't stop crying. I think I'm going to alcohol again. I don't want that but it's seems that way.

Well let me go I just gave myself a headache. I'll keep ya'll posted.

Well I had to work this morning because someone decided to take their vacation so Fanta (My boss) had to go to another station. I stayed until 11am to give Jerry (Co-worker) a break. I was going to meet Yamil at the mall but I wasn't planning on staying until 11am so I told him I will see him at the hospital later. He left his psp at work and someone stole it. I guess that's one more sign that he needs to give up the games. But oh well. He got me the Silent Hill Origins game. Look at me saying he needs to give up the games and I play video games too. But hell I know when to put life over video games. But he's learning.

I got to the hospital today and tj was in a bad mood. Im trying to keep my spirits up but it's hard when I go to hug tj he tells me to leave him alone. He's just not the same even with the chemo and radiation he still is sluggish and just not himself. He usually plays video games for hours now I let him play my psp and he plays for like an hour and then goes to sleep. He doesn't want me to look at him or touch him. I just don't know how to handle this. I try to keep myself busy and let him know that I'm around and that I love him and I kiss him even though he pushes me away.

I spoke to the doctor yesterday and she said the only thing that is holding tj back from going home is him eatting. He doesn't have a taste for anything. They have him on TPN(liquid food nutrition). But the doctor doesn't want him to go home with that. I flat out told her that I'm scared to take him home, because I don't want to not now if he is going to pass away in pain. So she brung in a Hospice nurse to explain to me about their way to manage pain. They have a nurse come to my house twice a week and they are available 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I'm just so scared.

Last night they had a thing for the parents where they had a massage chair and they gave us massages. It was really nice I enjoyed that. I'm kinda happy cause I have tomorrow off and I get to go home cause Yamil is spending the night. I get to kinda sleep late. I have to be here at the hospital before 12 because my mom has to go to work. So it's not that big of a break.

Anyway let me get going there are some kids that need to use the computer. I'll keep ya'll posted.

"You're so strong." That's what i hear all the time. What people don't know is that I just want to give up. I really don't like my mother. She thinks she knows everything about everything. I just can't stand to talk to her about anything. She makes it seem like the choice is mine but she always makes it a point to tell me what to do in a discrete way. Most of the time I aprechiate what she does for TJ, but at the same time it's like if I had a choice and wasn't so scared of anyone else watching tj I would let someone else watch him. Lately I've been mean but I just want to be left ALONE!!! I just can't get a chance to myself. I just want to be ALONE to my thoughts where no one calls me or texts me. ALONE DAMNIT!!!

My ex keeps texting me. I just wish he would get the hint already. He is causing me stress that I don't need. He wants to be my friend...I understand that but I can't deal with him right now. Everytime we have the talk he ends up being more annoying than a friend. I tell people to leave me alone and they keep talking. Then when I say "Shut the F*CK UP!!!" Then I'm the bad one. I'm going to get a text saying "I just want to be your friend if I dont hear from you then I won't text you." Then I get at peace with everything cause I don't have to read these text messages every 10 minutes. And guess what he texts me. What the hell happened to "If I don't hear from you I won't text you." That is the most annoying thing a "friend" can do especially going through this with my son. I don't know what to do. I want to change my number so f*ckin bad but now that tj is sick I don't have the time to call all these family and friends to tell them my new number. So what do I do? I didn't the right thing by saying I'm moving on with my life and this isn't the right time basically for us to be friends.

What the hell do I do???

I'll keep you posted.

Ok I'm much better now. I know what I want out of life and I'm going to try hard to get it...Not wait too late to try and get it when it's gone. I think I'm going to be happy with whatever decisions I make in life. I'm getting married in like 2 weeks. People say it's too fast but what's too fast? It's my life and my choice. I'm not running around telling people what to do in their lives. To each is own.

I'm just kind of sad because TJ now has new lumps forming on his head (from the cancer). Which isn't good. The tumor is in his brain fluid. I know this sounds mean of me and it's like I'm giving up hope. But I just can't stand to see my son like this. He is in pain and he is just not himself. I know people say he's a fighter and I do not doubt that at all. I know that doctors tell me that they are doing everything they can to make his life longer so we can have more time. But what time is he having. Always in pain! I've come to grips that I may lose my son. As hard as it may seem. I was talking with my boss the other day about this lady who had two sons with a illness that could not be cured and they were in really bad pain. One day she went to the hospital and she took out a gun and shot her two sons dead. I mean I'm not going to do that to my son but I can really understand what she was going through. She condemed her life to hell so that her sons will not suffer anymore. Please do not think that I am crazy, but like I said it will be selfish of me to want to keep my son around because I want him around. Does that make sense to anyone?

But I will keep you posted.

 Shante'

Why does everyone say "Your so strong."? I don't think I am. I guess on the outside because I don't really cry or show emotion or just not sad all the time. Or maybe because of what my son is going through? I dont think I'm strong at all. Seeing my only son sick is making me the weakest person alive right now. But I will make it no matter what happens with my son. I am prepared for anything. I have come to grips that I may lose my son. I am hopeful that I will not and he will overcome this. The doctors are really doing their best...after I cussed them out that is. LOL

Ok on another note. Yamil was supposed to wake up at 10am to get ready to come here. I guess he is still asleep because he didn't call me to tell me that he woke up on time. Oh well. I told him the other day that he takes being home for granted. The other day he was on the phone with me telling me how sleepy and tired he was but yet I heard him turning on the video game. I kinda blacked out on him I told him that he is f*ckin lucky to be home with peace and quite and getting rest, but yet he doesn't get rest he spends hours on video games and then goes to sleep late and wakes up late for work instead of going to be and getting rest. I told him look where the f*ck I am I'm in the hospital where I have not gotten a nights rest in TWO weeks. I always have a nurse in my face they always turn on the light when it's night time instead of doing the test they need to do in the afternoon when these kids in the hospital are awake. So I got even more mad because then he wanted to offer to spend the night. Had I wouldn't have blacked out on him it wouldn't have even crossed his mind to want to spend the night here at that hospital so I can get some rest so that I can continue to be "Strong" for tj. Cause at this point everyone is getting on my nerves. But I try to stay civil with most people.

But I will keep you posted.

 THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS READ MY BLOG. I WANT TO ALSO THANK YOU FOR PRAYING FOR MY SON AND MY FAMILY.

Well, it's been a long while. I've been soooo busy. Just taking care of my son and my household. Work is good.

For thoes of you who don't know. My son is back in the hospital. His cancer grew back stronger than before. They told me that there is no cure and that they were going to do things to make him comfortable and to give him more time. When I hear the news I couldn't believe it. I guess I still don't want to believe it. I just don't want to see him hurt anymore. My mom wants to get a second opinion, I told her yes but to be honest I trust in what the doctors here tell me and he is in pain and sick I don't want to drag him all over the place.

So that's where we stand as of now. He gets a Make A Wish. So he is going on a shopping spree. I would go to Disney World but I'm only part time and I don't get paid time off. So the shopping spree is good enough and he will have toys and games to keep him occupied when we are home because the doctors said that they are going to get him a hospice nurse while we are home to make it more easy for us when tj is home.

It hurts to say but for thoes of you who didn't catch on. The doctors basically said that I have to sit back and watch my son pass away if they can't do anything else to help him.

Ok But anyway I'm doing ok.

I'll keep you posted.

Well how has everyone been? I've been just great. I met a new guy. His name is Yamil. I've been the most happiest in my life. I feel like I'm just on cloud nine. I've met half his family and his mom likes me and his cousins are really cool. I went to his job today and met his coworkers. I was embarrassed because they know so much about me and I didn't know them so all I could do was stand there and look stupid and nod my head up and down.

 As for Hector. We are still friends and he wants more from me. I don't think i will ever give him any more of what he wants. He wants a relationship and I'm  happier with Yamil. I have nothing against Hector it's just that he is not the one for me.

Me and Yamil are getting a place together. With Hector I guess I had to say lets do it now. I know know? Things just seem to flow with Yamil. I don't seem pressured or it doesn't feel like I'm waiting. I wanted a man to come and take charge and Yamil did just that. Tj absolutly LOVES LOVES LOVES LOVES him.

Work at NY Waterway is still going strong. I'm working full time hours now. So I'm saving as much money as I can so when its time for us to move we can buy furniture and stuff right away and not have to wait. Yamil has bills and stuff he has to take care of because we were thinking about moving in in July but that's next month so we decided to do it in September. That way he can take care of some stuff and I can continue to save money. So I will keep you guys posted. Have a good one.

 SORRY IT TOOK SOOOOO LONG FOR ME TO WRITE.