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Happy New Year
2007-12-28
Well its a new year time for changes. the only thing i want to change is my soul. now what i mean by that is cleanse it and make it whole. i plan on spending the new year with just yamil and myself. he is going to cook for me because new years eve i have to work all day. so when i come home ill shower and eat and we are gonna chill until 12:01 say a prayer for tj and the we are off to sleep. all that stuff about going on a diet. thats for suckers cause i know im not gonna follow through. anyway just wanted to let all my friends on here know that im still hangin on.

ill keep yall posted.
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Candles
2007-12-10
Yay i made it home yesterday just in time to like my candle. i took mine in tjs room and prayed and spoke to tj and stared at his picture and told him how much i miss him and i cried. i seem to do a lot of that. i cry a lot at night when i lay in bed thinking of how he used to hold my hand when we lived at my moms house. he used to lay in his bed and i would lay in mine and he would hold my finger until he went to sleep. i miss that so much. i want that back so bad it hurts so much. i found my old camcorder and was watching old fotage of tj when he was a baby. how smart he was. i dont know how im ever going to have more children and have to deal with the thoughts of tj and i just dont want to compare my other children to tj. if that makes sense to anyone!?!

im here at work feeling angry and just want to be alone. ill keep yall posted.
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Just tired
2007-12-07
hello all. how have you guys been? im hangin in there. being engaged isnt what its cracked up to be. i still feel like a girlfriend. if that makes any sense. im happy that im finally engaged. i hate the fact that tj isnt here. i miss him so much i feel like just laying in a room in the dark and just cry. my boss this morning told me that they had a thing on the news about neuroblastoma. this little boy named toby has it and they put him on a special treatment called 3F8. i dont know if its the same chemo my son was on, but in the mothers blog (another site) she said he was on the treatment 1 week on 2 weeks off. that was how tjs treatment was...it didnt work for him. i posted a reply to tobys mothers blog telling her my experience with NEuroblastoma. i did tell her that i didnt want to discourage her in anyway because i read her blog and she knows that relaps neuroblastoma is not good.

me and yamil put our christmas tree up we took a picture of tj when he was about 1 yr old with angel wings and we put that picture at the top of the tree. its beautiful. God i miss him so much i dont know what to do. before i used to love to cook for yamil and tj. now i dont care. i come home from work and eat and lay on the couch then i go to sleep. thats what its been like since tj passed.

i did get to hang out with hector. we went looking around the game store then we sat and talked for a bit then we went to this place called East LA to eat. it was good to laugh.

well ill keep yall posted.
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