Hello all. I got my computer up for a little while. I posted a picture of my son. That was Halloween last year he was a pirate. I miss him so much. It hurts so much I have to call his name out loud sometimes. Luis and Jessica have invited yamil and myself to church. We have been going to church for the past week. I really feel good. I hate to say that lossing my son made me realise that I needed Jesus in my life. The pastor says maybe that was what tj was put on this earth for. I know if tj was well I would not be going to church. I would not want to know the Lord.

Yamil got me an engagement ring. We are going to dinner this friday to celebrate. I'm so excited. I'm sad cause I wish tj was here to see this happiness. People say he is looking down on me from heaven, but forget that I want him here with me. I was looking at old pictures and my son was something else. I love him so much!!!

I'm going to look for a full time job because I have a feeling that I'm not going to get offered one at NY Waterway. But oh well. I'll keep ya'll posted

Well, I got here to the hospital today and the doctor told me that tj has a infection in his intestines. So now they are going to put him on antibiotics. There was a spot on his leg that was hurting him so they did a scan and it's the cancer. So they are going to radiate that part of his leg to get rid of the pain. The doctor said that wasn't the only part where there was cancer. I noticed the lumps on his head. The doctor basically said that this chemo didn't do much either. So radiation is the way to go now until she talks to her team. So I'll keep ya'll posted on that.

They actually gave my son some morphine and he sparked right up so they are going to give him that every 3 hours or as needed. He was nice and talking to the nurse. So that's a good sign. They are going to do radiation to the leg for the next 4 days and then we can go home that next thursday. They have to put a feeding tube in his nose to his throat so he can eat and get his meds and I don't have to worry about him getting upset that he has to orally take his meds.

Im just really scared of everything that is happening. When he does come home we are going to do the shopping spree. Then relax at home and just make him happy. I'm really scared I can't stop crying. I think I'm going to alcohol again. I don't want that but it's seems that way.

Well let me go I just gave myself a headache. I'll keep ya'll posted.

Well I had to work this morning because someone decided to take their vacation so Fanta (My boss) had to go to another station. I stayed until 11am to give Jerry (Co-worker) a break. I was going to meet Yamil at the mall but I wasn't planning on staying until 11am so I told him I will see him at the hospital later. He left his psp at work and someone stole it. I guess that's one more sign that he needs to give up the games. But oh well. He got me the Silent Hill Origins game. Look at me saying he needs to give up the games and I play video games too. But hell I know when to put life over video games. But he's learning.

I got to the hospital today and tj was in a bad mood. Im trying to keep my spirits up but it's hard when I go to hug tj he tells me to leave him alone. He's just not the same even with the chemo and radiation he still is sluggish and just not himself. He usually plays video games for hours now I let him play my psp and he plays for like an hour and then goes to sleep. He doesn't want me to look at him or touch him. I just don't know how to handle this. I try to keep myself busy and let him know that I'm around and that I love him and I kiss him even though he pushes me away.

I spoke to the doctor yesterday and she said the only thing that is holding tj back from going home is him eatting. He doesn't have a taste for anything. They have him on TPN(liquid food nutrition). But the doctor doesn't want him to go home with that. I flat out told her that I'm scared to take him home, because I don't want to not now if he is going to pass away in pain. So she brung in a Hospice nurse to explain to me about their way to manage pain. They have a nurse come to my house twice a week and they are available 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I'm just so scared.

Last night they had a thing for the parents where they had a massage chair and they gave us massages. It was really nice I enjoyed that. I'm kinda happy cause I have tomorrow off and I get to go home cause Yamil is spending the night. I get to kinda sleep late. I have to be here at the hospital before 12 because my mom has to go to work. So it's not that big of a break.

Anyway let me get going there are some kids that need to use the computer. I'll keep ya'll posted.

"You're so strong." That's what i hear all the time. What people don't know is that I just want to give up. I really don't like my mother. She thinks she knows everything about everything. I just can't stand to talk to her about anything. She makes it seem like the choice is mine but she always makes it a point to tell me what to do in a discrete way. Most of the time I aprechiate what she does for TJ, but at the same time it's like if I had a choice and wasn't so scared of anyone else watching tj I would let someone else watch him. Lately I've been mean but I just want to be left ALONE!!! I just can't get a chance to myself. I just want to be ALONE to my thoughts where no one calls me or texts me. ALONE DAMNIT!!!

My ex keeps texting me. I just wish he would get the hint already. He is causing me stress that I don't need. He wants to be my friend...I understand that but I can't deal with him right now. Everytime we have the talk he ends up being more annoying than a friend. I tell people to leave me alone and they keep talking. Then when I say "Shut the F*CK UP!!!" Then I'm the bad one. I'm going to get a text saying "I just want to be your friend if I dont hear from you then I won't text you." Then I get at peace with everything cause I don't have to read these text messages every 10 minutes. And guess what he texts me. What the hell happened to "If I don't hear from you I won't text you." That is the most annoying thing a "friend" can do especially going through this with my son. I don't know what to do. I want to change my number so f*ckin bad but now that tj is sick I don't have the time to call all these family and friends to tell them my new number. So what do I do? I didn't the right thing by saying I'm moving on with my life and this isn't the right time basically for us to be friends.

What the hell do I do???

I'll keep you posted.

Ok I'm much better now. I know what I want out of life and I'm going to try hard to get it...Not wait too late to try and get it when it's gone. I think I'm going to be happy with whatever decisions I make in life. I'm getting married in like 2 weeks. People say it's too fast but what's too fast? It's my life and my choice. I'm not running around telling people what to do in their lives. To each is own.

I'm just kind of sad because TJ now has new lumps forming on his head (from the cancer). Which isn't good. The tumor is in his brain fluid. I know this sounds mean of me and it's like I'm giving up hope. But I just can't stand to see my son like this. He is in pain and he is just not himself. I know people say he's a fighter and I do not doubt that at all. I know that doctors tell me that they are doing everything they can to make his life longer so we can have more time. But what time is he having. Always in pain! I've come to grips that I may lose my son. As hard as it may seem. I was talking with my boss the other day about this lady who had two sons with a illness that could not be cured and they were in really bad pain. One day she went to the hospital and she took out a gun and shot her two sons dead. I mean I'm not going to do that to my son but I can really understand what she was going through. She condemed her life to hell so that her sons will not suffer anymore. Please do not think that I am crazy, but like I said it will be selfish of me to want to keep my son around because I want him around. Does that make sense to anyone?

But I will keep you posted.

 Shante'